It’s past midnight.
Stars blink behind the curtains. Everybody’s asleep. My dad is snoring in the next room. Mom’s bangles tinkle as she turns.
I have everything for a good night's sleep. A soft mattress. A pillow I can sink my head into. And a water cooler blowing on my half-naked body, its droplets resting on my dry lips.
Yet, I twist and turn. I sleep on my back. I sleep on my stomach. I sleep on my side. Even I shut my eyes saying, “Go to sleep.”
But nothing worked.
I did not sleep. Not for a second. Wide awake, with a single thought, burning my head hot.
“Why? Why did it happen?”
That was my first night after my break up. And I had many nights like this. For months, I did not sleep ….
….Because these 5 things stopped me for 788,923.8 minutes:
1) Trying To ‘Fix’ Things.
A breakup can feel like a lifetime.
Your head is running 24/7, faster than a treadmill. 5-years swiped off. And I felt dating a ghost. Day and night, I searched for answers. Nothing new. But same old questions.
“What happened?”
“Why happened?”
And…..
“How can I fix things?”
Strange ideas sprouted into my mind, despite clear signals — “he doesn’t want me”. All lead to more sleepless nights. One morning, I realized I called him 20 times more than he did. A moment when I stopped “fixing” things & started doing nothing.
Literally, I did nothing.
If I did not feel like answering phone, I let it ring.
If I wanted to be alone, I stayed in my room.
If I wanted to feel better, I cried.
Nobody’s like rejection. When it’s coming straight at us, we go against it. But in return we avoid acceptance. Which is the only way to move along with life. Not fast, not slow. You move with it.
And hey… it’s easy.
- Sit & drink a glass of water.
- Tell yourself it’s over.
- Do it daily. Twice.
One morning, you will feel no need of this, but you can’t start a day without chugging a glass of water.
2) Mending Him, Not Myself.
It was my first relationship. And I always thought, “we were doing great.” Like it or not, a good relationship has partners who do equal work. Not a nice thing to hear, “he does more than I do.”
Knowing this, I made someone a center of my world, placing above everything — career, work, and even myself. Even after a horrible breakup, I tired cheering him up.
Talking to him hurt like hell, I still did.
Seeing him in person hurt, I still did.
Reaching out to his family hurt, I still did.
I was in so much pain every single day until I had a time to reflect. If you haven’t found to do so, let me tell you something. Loud and clear. And may won’t tell you:
“You’re important to yourself. ”
Do not go chasing for things that do not want to wait you.
Attend to yourself after a break up. Build a space to:
- To reflect on current situation.
- Find ways to let out the anger.
- Take help. Gym, therapy, dancing, eating, or anything that makes you feel better a day.
3) Clinging To Love Gone.
Rejection is a hard-pill to swallow. But what chokes you is not rejection, but acceptance.
Even after stopping talking to my ex, I had moments to relapse.
His name was on your tongue.
The phone number dialed in my head.
The photographs popped into my Gallery.
The love I have for him?
It has bits and pieces in my heart.
I wanted to turn it off, like a blub. But I failed. And It’s not something to forget, anyway. I realized, it’s something to okay with. To accept. So I reached out for help.
I met a sweet lady at an airport. I was travelling from Goa to Delhi. She ‘s a psychologist. Over a mail, I asked her a question:
Her reply touched me deeply. When I fall back, I laugh and cry at moments remembering:
4) Thinking it’s end of the world.
Post break-up phases are like teenage hormones.
5 days in a week I was fine. Felt completely moved on. Then on the 6th day, I would sit in my bed and cry. I blamed myself for the change happenings. We did not end on a good note, and I longed for a closure.
Moreover, I started to think less of myself.
For instance, I thought of never finding love again or being alone in my life for rest of my days. Guess what? It’s not true.
I have met someone.
This is true for everything, not just relationships. Because of ugly past or relationships, we hinder our personal growth. In 2025, I’m breaking this by setting up new challenges for myself:
- Moving out from home (even though I might end up broke)
- Taking my writing career more seriously.
- Finding time for my health.
- Most importantly, loving myself.
Do Not Let a Break Up Change Who You Are
Letting go someone is 100 times harder than letting a complete strange come into your life.
Break ups are hard. Forget relationship, I did not date or have sex for the two years. It taught me many things. However, it also changed me who I was and something I was afraid to change, my idea of love.
For example, I was outrageously affectionate in my past relationship. I couldn’t stay without touching or kissing or calling 4–5 times a day. Although it’s understandable to build those walls, you do not have to confine yourself.
Give yourself chance to love. Be who you are restlessly.
You might have another break up or not. Regardless, do not break up with yourself. Because it’s the only relationship in life that never snatch sleep from you.
P.S: Thanks for reading. If you could resonate with my thoughts and feeling, I would love to know how you dealt with break ups or are dealing with break ups.
Also, I’m building a community for my queer folks. Let’s hang out and talk about writing and business. Click here to join.
